its wierd... i dont know if i like it, but i feel like im always competing against something or someone to be better than. i feel like i have so much pressure on me from all these different angles, friends, people at school, proffessors, parents, myself. i wake up every morning at 6 to be at work at 6:30, and sometimes it sucks getting up that early, but i love the morning, when i finally get the courage to sit up in bed and take on the world. that sitting up part, at least for me, is the hardest part of waking up. its a conscious battle in my head where i am convincing myself that i can stay in bed, it'll be ok if i just lay down for ten more minutes, right? and slowly i get the courage to sit up and i think, every morning, that i am going to have to deal with so much as soon as i sit up.
but i sit up, and its still dark out... its quiet, all i can hear is the hum of the heater and the breathing of kevin... and all of my fears are gone, all of my worry subsides. i sit, i talk to god, praise him and ask him for courage and guidance, and get up and turn on the light.
and start my day.
i hate it when i sin. and i know i do it consciously sometimes, and i hate it even more... afterwords i always want to run into the blankets of my bed and hide under the covers because i cannot bear to feel God's stare on me... to feel the disappointment and guilt. and it is the hardest thing for me to actually get the courage to pull the covers back, to dare gods judgement, to chance his guilt, and in essence, to really believe in his grace.
sometimes i wonder if i ever will have that courage to truly be ok with the fact that he sees everything, he knows everything. see, i can hold the covers over my head all i want to, i can "hide" as much as i want... but the scary part is that god can see through the covers... and every time i think about it... my heart starts to race. but i need to remember that as swift as Gods judgment is, and as sovereign as he is... his grace is just and swift, and just like he did in john11:35 with mary... he weeps with me, because im hurting, and he cares.
i love mornings because i am alone, and gods grace is made new... and no metter what happens that day, i know that god is GOD and he is MY SHEPHERD.
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"that sitting up part, at least for me, is the hardest part of waking up."
But the BEST part of waking up...is Folger's in your cup!
But seriously: It is so ironic how the one who loves us most fiercely is the one we fear the most. I think there is good in that: Shows we really do care about what He thinks! But we also remember HIS LOVE and GRACE that goes further than what anyone else could ever muster.
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