do you ever feel like you re drowning? you are kicking and kicking and struggling against the water, against the tides and the ups and downs and at first its not that bad, its not easy, but not terrible, and yet, and the time goes on, it seems like the kicking gets harder, the water gets colder and feels so much bigger... bigger than you. and suddenly, you start to see sharks circling underneath you, and you cannot even be sure if they are there... you are second-guessing your self, and then second-guessing your second-guess and you just...get...so..tired...
...and you wonder if help will ever come at all.
i feel like im drowning... tha has been a pretty realistic example of my life the past few weeks... and i dont know why... i cant even explain what i am fighting against... i cannot put a name on it yet... but i feel like im drowning... im at my last efforts of struggle... the end of my candle, and it seems like the water is getting darker and colder, ever so slightly, and it goes on.
i hate it that i have feelings and confusion that i bury deep within me... that i wont let anybody in on... that i keep tripping up in my walk with god, that i keep questioning why God would ever love me? how, and even if it is possible for Him to love me. i mean, honestly, who would love me? who, in their right mind, would even think about loving someone like me? i mean, would you love someone if they kept turning their back on you and shoving you away?
I dont know what to do... im drowning, and its almost i cannot reach out for a life raft because i dont think i even have the strength for that.
im just this little person in this huge sea, too tired to cry out for help, and almost too tired to keep fighting for air...
"I have no fear of drowning, its the breathing thats taking all this work" -Jars of clay
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what am i about?
to me, it is important to live, to really live. but as i say that, i really have no idea what that means. i would see myself as a radical, a person that does things that are not normal, that are not socially acceptable, but not for the sake of doing them... but for the sake of pushing others to ignite. for some reason, i see myself as a catalyst, here to push people together and to ignite in them something... SOMETHING tangible to work with. i believe that it is only out of tension that things grow, that only by fire are things purified, and that only by the unending grace of god are we able to live, breath and think... not to mention sing.
i love Jesus, i am not going to say that i love him with my whole heart, because i dont know how to do that... i have been contemplating what being a follower of Christ looks like, because i have seen so many different pictures and ideas about what it means to follow him. I have learned that the only way to really understand the being that named himself the Savior, this God who is in heaven, is to realise that he loves me... i echo the thoughts of Brennan Manning in his book "The Ragamuffin Gospel" when he says "my deepest awareness of myself is that i am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and i have done nothing ot earn or deserve it".
im not sure what the christian life looks like, but i know that i am persuing it... and that in that, God is found. all of the theology we try to put on God, all of the crap we try to throw in the way, it all is obliterated in the light of grace... for the Gospel of Jesus is not one of what you do, but who you know... its relational, its dynamic, its a flowing, moving current of life and love and hardship and joy and good and truth and forgiveness and nothingness, all moved in and through this idea, this river of amazing grace... how sweet the sound!
i love Jesus, i am not going to say that i love him with my whole heart, because i dont know how to do that... i have been contemplating what being a follower of Christ looks like, because i have seen so many different pictures and ideas about what it means to follow him. I have learned that the only way to really understand the being that named himself the Savior, this God who is in heaven, is to realise that he loves me... i echo the thoughts of Brennan Manning in his book "The Ragamuffin Gospel" when he says "my deepest awareness of myself is that i am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and i have done nothing ot earn or deserve it".
im not sure what the christian life looks like, but i know that i am persuing it... and that in that, God is found. all of the theology we try to put on God, all of the crap we try to throw in the way, it all is obliterated in the light of grace... for the Gospel of Jesus is not one of what you do, but who you know... its relational, its dynamic, its a flowing, moving current of life and love and hardship and joy and good and truth and forgiveness and nothingness, all moved in and through this idea, this river of amazing grace... how sweet the sound!
1 comment:
Oh Josh, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, for I have overcome the world!"
This is an encouraging section about C.S. Lewis' "Dark Night of the Soul" in relation to Psalm 88, a very good Psalm to read when you feel like you're "drowning."
Be encouraged! You are loved and prayed for every day by more of us than you can know!
"Many people have been troubled down through the years by Psalm 88. It is not the rosy picture they hope for. Many are not accustomed to hearing such honest and agonizing prayers “in church.” We usually eskew such grittyness. It is this lack of honestly with ourselves and with God that usually creates the problems in our faith to begin with.
One observer noted, “Psalm 88 is an embarrassment to conventional faith.” This is so because conventional faith is usually cold and lifeless and not connected to the realities of the world. Platitudes are the rule. This same observer then makes this comment, “Psalm 88 makes sense only in the light of Golgotha . . . Psalm 88 shows us what the cross is about: faithfulness in scenes of complete abandonment.” He is correct. Such suffering, such darkness of the soul, such abandonment can makes sense in the shadow of the Crucified One.
Benjamin Weir, a Presbyterian missionary, was taken hostage in Lebanon in the mid-1980’s. When he was released some one asked him how he survived and what advice he had for others in similar circumstances. He said, “I would suggest memorizing Psalm Eighty-Eight. That grand old Hebrew woe seemed more cathartic than anything.”
To cry out in the Darkness is to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Christ of the Cross and with thousands of saints long since gone. It is indeed an affirmation of the hope that lies in resurrection. Sometimes we have to go through the Dark Night before we get to the Dawn! But we never travel alone."
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