Father Abraham.... had many sons...

I think i am finding myself at a crossroads in my life...

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

Psalm 88 (The Message Paraphrase)

A Korah Prayer of Heman

1-9 God, you're my last chance of the day. I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.

9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?

13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.

i've discovered...

i suck at dieing to myself.

lifeboat

do you ever feel like you re drowning? you are kicking and kicking and struggling against the water, against the tides and the ups and downs and at first its not that bad, its not easy, but not terrible, and yet, and the time goes on, it seems like the kicking gets harder, the water gets colder and feels so much bigger... bigger than you. and suddenly, you start to see sharks circling underneath you, and you cannot even be sure if they are there... you are second-guessing your self, and then second-guessing your second-guess and you just...get...so..tired...

...and you wonder if help will ever come at all.


i feel like im drowning... tha has been a pretty realistic example of my life the past few weeks... and i dont know why... i cant even explain what i am fighting against... i cannot put a name on it yet... but i feel like im drowning... im at my last efforts of struggle... the end of my candle, and it seems like the water is getting darker and colder, ever so slightly, and it goes on.

i hate it that i have feelings and confusion that i bury deep within me... that i wont let anybody in on... that i keep tripping up in my walk with god, that i keep questioning why God would ever love me? how, and even if it is possible for Him to love me. i mean, honestly, who would love me? who, in their right mind, would even think about loving someone like me? i mean, would you love someone if they kept turning their back on you and shoving you away?

I dont know what to do... im drowning, and its almost i cannot reach out for a life raft because i dont think i even have the strength for that.

im just this little person in this huge sea, too tired to cry out for help, and almost too tired to keep fighting for air...

"I have no fear of drowning, its the breathing thats taking all this work" -Jars of clay

rescue

sometime i wonder why we are here on earth at all... why God made us, what was his purpose in even wanting to create beings such as us?

i heard it said once that god creating us was the most self-less thing he could do, to create others to share in Glorifying him... and i wonder, if God's very act of creating us was complete and total selflessness, shouldnt it make sense that we also must live a life that is selfless?

i look at the life of christ, and how, during His ministry on earth, he lived a life of complete selflessness... how amazing is that? that the king of Glory, the God of our very existence would make himself completely and utterly... human.

i can't wrap my mind around that...


complete.

utterly graphic.

Wholly Horrific collision of worlds.

God's Majesty is here, God's salvation,

Rescue is here, it's present,

its now.


and to think, we take this rescue, this great savior that is here with us, and we turn our backs on him, or we turn our backs and scoff at those whom we see as less than ourselves... which, really, is the same thing.

God says that we cannot love Hima nd hate his children.

it's wierd, but sometimes i feel like i just can's wrap my mind around that.

sigh...

God, sometimes i wonder why you have called me to do this. why you have called me here, to this place and this time. i know that everything is turned around and used for your glory, and that all tings always point back to you in some way, but God... why me? why here? why now?

who am i to carry your word? who am i to speak for you? who am i to even talk about you? i have no rite to talk about you or speak for you, or do anything on your behalf. i am so terrible, so wretched and undesirable... i was thinking about the term unworthy today with David and its almost as if the price you paid is far too high for me... the price you paid is way too much... i am so unvaluable that you must be crazy to desire a relationship with me... im a slug. im a worm... you have made that quite clear. and yet... you wtill love me. i don't get it. i am nothing, yet you actually... care. you actually overpaid for me, but you did it gladly. what kind of god would do something like that for a being that he created? its like you created us from dirt, and then you die for the dirt.

God, help me to be always thankful and always open for your wisdom and love and direction, and give me courage and peace as i go foward or stay back. thank you so much, God, for the people you have put in my life to encourage me... i cannot thank you enough for those very few who it seems are always there for me, letting your love spread out through them consistantly.

Lord, teach me how to love. your way.

i love you, God, and i praise You... for you alone are Sovereign.

and you alone are good.

dying to self.

DYING TO SELF

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take in all in patient, loving silence.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when you stand face-to- face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility-and endure it as Jesus endured.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any society, any raiment, any interruption by the will of God.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

Are you dead yet?

"That I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death." Phil.3:10

-unknown

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obituary

do you ever think about what it will be like when you die? so many people tend to wonder what people will say about them when they die, or if they have made an impact on other people, but i was just wondering what i would say to other people when i die... like, if i were to die today, what would i say to the friends and family? what would be most important? like, to mom thanks for raising me and loving me, to jeff thanks for being there, to grandparents id thank them and tell them all how much i love them, to Cass and Ash id tell them that there is a buffalo exchange in Heaven, tell david the throne of God will be made of muddy-buddies, and on and on and on... i start to wonder if people that are around me really know how much they mean to me, really understand what it is like for me to see them.

i remember how weird it was the first time a friend of mine actually asked to come along with me to do something, or made that kind of gesture, and how amazing it felt, and i really do think that people are put into other people's lives to be a blessing to them and to impact them, and i cannot put into words how much those around me have impacted me and how much i have grown because of them.

i dont know why exactly im writing this blog... this is just something that has been on my mind lately.

God is funny that way...

read this poem... i like it:

Passing Glimpse

I often see flowers from a passing car
That are gone before I can tell what they are.

I want to get out of the train and go back
To see what they were beside the track.

I name all the flowers I am sure they weren't;
Not fireweed loving where woods have burnt--

Not bluebells gracing a tunnel mouth--
Not lupine living on sand and drouth.

Was something brushed across my mind
That no one on earth will ever find?

Heaven gives its glimpses only to those
Not in position to look too close.
-Robert Frost.

I love friendship...

it has occurred to me that i am completely bi-olar when it comes to my friends. sometimes i will sit around feeling all droopy thinking i dont have any, and other times i will be so amazed at the amazingness of the people who call me "friend".

sometimes i still can't get over it, that people call me "friend". it just amazes me... i have friends.


God loves us... and he shows us His love through His children and his creation.

God is Love...

that is his definition.

my roomate is a math major, and is crazy about math.

He would say

God = Love, the "=" means that it is an exact equivalent.

its not that He has love,

its not even that He loves,

its GOD IS Love!

how awesome that we get to share in that!

whenever i get frustrated... i remember...

our God reigns...

waking up in the dark.

its wierd... i dont know if i like it, but i feel like im always competing against something or someone to be better than. i feel like i have so much pressure on me from all these different angles, friends, people at school, proffessors, parents, myself. i wake up every morning at 6 to be at work at 6:30, and sometimes it sucks getting up that early, but i love the morning, when i finally get the courage to sit up in bed and take on the world. that sitting up part, at least for me, is the hardest part of waking up. its a conscious battle in my head where i am convincing myself that i can stay in bed, it'll be ok if i just lay down for ten more minutes, right? and slowly i get the courage to sit up and i think, every morning, that i am going to have to deal with so much as soon as i sit up.

but i sit up, and its still dark out... its quiet, all i can hear is the hum of the heater and the breathing of kevin... and all of my fears are gone, all of my worry subsides. i sit, i talk to god, praise him and ask him for courage and guidance, and get up and turn on the light.

and start my day.

i hate it when i sin. and i know i do it consciously sometimes, and i hate it even more... afterwords i always want to run into the blankets of my bed and hide under the covers because i cannot bear to feel God's stare on me... to feel the disappointment and guilt. and it is the hardest thing for me to actually get the courage to pull the covers back, to dare gods judgement, to chance his guilt, and in essence, to really believe in his grace.

sometimes i wonder if i ever will have that courage to truly be ok with the fact that he sees everything, he knows everything. see, i can hold the covers over my head all i want to, i can "hide" as much as i want... but the scary part is that god can see through the covers... and every time i think about it... my heart starts to race. but i need to remember that as swift as Gods judgment is, and as sovereign as he is... his grace is just and swift, and just like he did in john11:35 with mary... he weeps with me, because im hurting, and he cares.

i love mornings because i am alone, and gods grace is made new... and no metter what happens that day, i know that god is GOD and he is MY SHEPHERD.