this is all that i can say...

I'm Tired... really really tired.

It's weird, but you never quite prepare for those things that come at you like a left hook, when all the while you re focused on the right hand. i guess you cant, really. I mean, how can a person focus on all of the things in their life at one time? these past few days have been tough...

I saw this bumper sticker, and i thought it was incredible. what an image in your head, that because you have gone through that hard times, you know how to get through them... i've heard that before. I've heard that it is supposed to get easier to handle hard times when you have gone through so many of them... and I have gone through wuite a few hard times, so i'm stuck constantly shifting my head from looking back to looking foward, and i keep getting this fear... no, fear is the wrong word... i keep getting this sense of... once again... being in an ocean, with the water all around me getting bigger and bigger and colder and colder, and its getting harder and harder to convince myself to listen to the innate desire inside of me that says "keep swimming".


"father of Grace, I am your child of mercy"...

John came up ot me today, leaned against the wall and said "theres this old saying: 'the man who burns the candle at both ends isn't as bright as he thinks he is'"

point taken... point deserved.

I just want time to stop,
i want to be held in someones arms,
i want to feel the touch of loved one who loves me because of who I am...
not because of what im doing or what i am "capable" of doing... whatever that means.

I heard the story of Brennan MAnning going to a house of a womans father, who was dieing of cancer. He walks into teh room and sees teh man propped up on a pillow, an empty chair beside the bed. Brennan says "Hi. i guess you were expecting me."

"Actually, i have no idea who you are..." the mans said

"oh" replied brennan, "i just assumed because of the empty chair that you were expecting me..."

"oh, that" said the man, "brennan, close the door."

BRennan closed the door and sat with the man and after about a mintue of silence, the man said "i had never learned how to pray... i used ot sit and church and listen to the pastor speak and pray out loud and never knew how he was doing it... so i asked him one day how to pray, and he gave me a famous book about prayer, and within the first 4 pages I had to look up 8 words in the dictionary.

"I gave the book back the next week and said 'thanks', muttering under my breath '...for nothin' and went another year not knowing how to pray, until one day a friend of mine said 'al you have to do is put an empty chair in front of you, sit next to is and have a normal conversation as if you were talking to a good friend.'

"'thats all?' i asked. 'thats all' he told me.'

"now thats how i pray... and i always keep the door shut because i don't want my daughter to see me talking to an empty chiar.

"do you think thats prayer brennan?"

Brennan was astonished, and said "yes... its so simple and profound and rough and easy... that is true prayer"

well, brennan prayed with him and went back to his house, and a fe days later he got a knock on the door. it was the mans daughter again.

"my father dies last night" she said, "i just wanted to let you know that.

"but, brennan... there was something very odd about how he died. i went into his room before i left for the grocery store, and he gave me a kiss and told me another one of his corny jokes, and when i came back he was gone.

"but... when i walked into the room, i saw that just before he died he lifted himself off of his bed and rested his head on the empty chair next to him. it was so strange"

I thought this was an amazing story of a man who loved jesus so much, I want to love Jesus like that. I want to know Jesus in that much of a loving nature, that when i die i can lay my head upon his lap and be held in his arms like the skrewed up little child i am.

so, Abba, sow your seed... im a vessel for breaking under your grace...


i didn't notice you were standing here,
i didn't know that that was you holding me
i didn't notice you were crying, too
i didn't know that that was you washing my feet

and this is all that i can say right now,
and this is all that i can give,
thats my everything.