Sometimes, i think im crazy.

honestly. Sometimes i sit on my bed, staring at my feet and thinking to myself: "am I crazy? I... I must be crazy. there is no other reason for who you are and what you do... you must be crazy."

and I begin to convince myself that everyone around me knows this but they're just not telling me.

and as i begin to go deeper into the implications of these things, i start to hyperventilate.

my breathing gets heavy, my thoughts begin to race, and my head starts to sway from side to side until I tip over, my head landing on my pillow and i have to consciously calm myself down in order to be able to stand up again.

And I hate that.

I feel as though I have become overwhelmed with this sense of hopelessness.

That my life, right now, is hopeless... that I am without hope.

And I don't know what to do with that. I hear all of these people around me talking about their hopes and reams and how God is working in them and around them, and I don't know how to compute these hopeless feelings into that worldview.

Today I was driving back to school and I noticed that I was wishing and hoping that I was sick... not because I want to hurt myself... im not a sudo-masachist, but because if I was sick, this idea of hopelessness would be a mute, and this stirring inside of me would go away.

I am in a class that is walking through the study of John, and we were looking at an obscure passage in john 17, where Jesus is praying for His desciples before He is arrested, and within that passage a verse just jumped off the page at me, nearly knocking me to the floor. Joshn 17:13 “"I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.”.

As I read and re-read the verse, I began to think about this full measure of joy.

And I couldnt understand it. I couldn't understand what part joy played in my life, because at that moment all I could think about was the overwhelming blurr In front of me.

“Where is the joy in this?” I thought. What kind of person am I that is doing the work of God but cannot feel His joy?