Today i really wish i was up at hume. im having withdrawals it seems. hume seems so great to me, but at the same time, it seems so far away. its as if my entire soul i yearning for peace and rest, but its so far away... and i cant spare a few days to get away. i hate this feeling.
im sitting in starbucks right now, wishing I was somewhere else, or at least i had someone to hang out with. I hate feeling alone- its the worst. i heard a wuote a while backt aht resonates with me today:
“To be alone, the greatest freedom. to feel alone, the darkest prison”
I dont know who said it, but they were right on. I keep thinking of Cassie back in hemet, getting ready to graduate, having a blast this week because she is out of school. or Dain, content with being at the library. or Jenny, sitting at home, playing through worship stuff to prepare for thisweekend (which i still dont have a piano or guitar player for), and i sit here at starbucks, feeling discontent.
its almost 7:00 pm. i havent done anything with today really. i kind of want to drive home, but theres nothing really there that entices me. so, here i sit, at starbucks, wishing my life would have taken me someplace else for the moment, not enjoying life- simply living it.
im reading a book right now by brennan manning called “Abba’s child”, and he starts off the book with a blessing by Larry Hein:
May all your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness, that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of a God who is Father, Son and Spirit has come up with another one:
Today, on planet earth, may you experience the wonder and beauty of yourself as Abba’s Child and temple of the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
As i read this, i feel discomforted and awkward. It is something I struggle with i guess. i always want to be liked and useful in the situations that im in, but the flip side of that is that when im NOT feeling well recieved, i tend to feel as if the whole world is against me, and all i want to do is go back to bed.
so, right now... I’m at Starbucks. and all i can say with any heart felt truth of my soul is this: come, Jesus, come.
Obesa Cantavit.
the fat lady has sung.
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