curl up...

i often wonder if God is at all happy with the way the world is working... if he is sitting up outside of time (while he is also all around us) and he is looking around at the world and i wonder if he is shaking his head at all of the pain, or the stupidity, or the people turning their heads away from him... or if he is noticing above the bad, all of the good. all of the people who turn to praise him, all of the people who turn to give him glory above the glory of themselves, above the glory of their nation, above the glory of their family, above everything else.

it had to be a hard thing for Jesus to do... to stare blatantly at peter, who would be tray him, or to stare blatantly at Judas, who would betray him, and say "Follow me", 'cause he knew they would fall. or how hard it had to be for him to look into the eyes of the people who were calling out for him to be crucified and who were spitting on him, or kicking him, or thinking thoughts of disgust and ridicule toward him... and not get that feeling in his chest to disassociate and run away, or better yet to not call down fire from heaven and let his wrath be shown and completely destroy those who turn away from him... all the while knowing that the people who were doing these things were the very people whom he came to die for.

the very notion of Him coming to this world for the sole purpose of dieing is still unfathomable to me.

one year ago my grandfather, a great loving honest man, died suddenly of cancer in his liver and up and down his spine, leaving us, his family, in a whirlwind of aftermath. yesterday i went to the funeral of my great-grandfather, who died from complications from Alzheimer's and diabetes. today, a guy i knew in high school was killed and his twin brother was badly injured, to the point of heavy hospitalization and surgery. last week i got word that another one of the guys i knew in high school died of a drug overdose, and tonight i heard of another high schooler that took her own life last week.

and i often wonder in the middle of this... is this really what God had in mind? is this really something that god sits around and looks at and shakes his head in approval, or in apathy and just watches happen and says "oh well... they'll learn eventually"?

'cause if He is that kind of a god, i dont want to serve him. if He is really a god that just sits there and lets things happen to people like this, or sits back and watches all of the hurt in the world and apathetically says that in the end it will make sense... i dont think i can do this.


it is so easy for me to fall into a pattern like that... seeing all of the hardship and pain in the world... all of the crap and hell the people go through... Jesus wasnt kidding when he said that in this life we will have pain. life is so hard sometimes.

there are times that i dont even want to get out of bed in the morning. that i dont want to take another breath for fear of it hurting too much, that i dont want to stand up anymore for fear of being pushed over and overwhelmed by the weight of my own little world.

Me and David are reading through Romans right now, and its so funny that when paul wrote this book, he wasn't writing it in response to a letter... he hadn't even been there, but it seems like he is giving so much specific information and almost addressing concerns for the hardships of Christians and the questions that we tend to have.

In chapter 8 of his letter, after talking about how the spirit of God helps and moves in us and through us and for us, paul says this small but hugely profound phrase: he says "and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose".

in all things, God works for the good of those who love him...

for the good...

its funny to see that passage and look around at the people who love God and yet still go through crap... sometimes the most un-imaginable hurt that a person can think of. and yet we have this promise, that God always, ALWAYS works for the good of those who love him... sometimes it is so hard for me to understand that... in my life i have had pain, and in the middle of it i dont want to think about how God will use this, i dont want to think about how life will be better, and how its a great thing to be in the hand of God, because in the midst of all of that... it sucks. it really really sucks, and it hurts, and all i can think about is how much i dont want to feel the pain anymore, how much i just want it to be over, how much i want this life to be done with so i can go home...

sometimes all i want to do is run to God and fall into his arms, and have him hold me... hold me while i cry, hold me while i shake with hurt and brokenness... to just hold me, bearing off the wait of the world and giving me rest... finally.

in all things, God works for the good of those who love him...

in all things...

a few chapters later, in chapter 11, a t the very end there is this passage, commonly referred to as the "doxology" ...look at what it says:

33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?"
35"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
36For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

i think that, God right now, while looking around at the hurt and pain in the world, hurts too... because this is not what he has planned, and because his creation is hurting... his children are hurting, but he also not just sitting there like a little kid pouting... he is pouring out his spirit, giving us peace and understanding and comfort and love and joy.

see... God knows the party thats coming, when the dead are raised, when He wins, when he finishes everything and every knee bows and every tongue says that Jesus is Lord... he knows how great that will be... for he is wise and immense in knowledge... but he also cares and loves his children... with a love that never fails.

it says at the end of Romans chapter 8, one of my favorite promises of all of scripture...

"For i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor daemons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of god that is in Christ, Jesus our Lord."

and the God that reigns at the end of time is the same God that says to you "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace."