I GOT A BIKE!!!!

yay!!! i just went down the hill with Kyei to Target and got a bike!


YAY!!

IM NO LONGER BI-PEDAL!!!!

(that was not a sexual inuendo)

:)

hope everything is going great!
Be Love!
-Josh

yay BREAKFAST!

i got up early enough for breakfast today!

yay!

i love the feeling of a full tummy in the morning lol.


so... Kyei got here last night, that was good... and i think that life is going to be great from now on!

i cant wait for the rest of the staff to get here and for the camps to start rollin in!

i have thought alot about descipleship and salvation the past few days... if you havent read BRennan MAnnings book "the Ragamuffin Gospel" yet, you definately should! its a great read, it'll get at you down deep and make you want to cry at times, but it really shows you the powerful message of Jesus of Nazereth, the God who ate with sinners.

anyway... ill update a little late.r

i need to see if i can go down the hill today and maybe buy some more pants :)

God is Love,
be His love today!
-Josh

a great day for nothing!

so im off for 2 WHOLE DAYS!!!  

this will be the longest time i get off for the rest of the summer, save for july when ill be going home for a week to be a counselot for our kids camp.

yay!

just did my first load of laundry, im almost done with a giant bottle of water, and im finishing Brennan Mannings Book: The Ragamuffin gospel.

hope everyone is doing great!

-Josh

Nothing you could ever do could make God love you any less.

nothing.

WIZ (or, the science of cleaning 6 ovens)

man oh man oh man... today wa a long long day! 

i cant tell you how much i love being up here! the people are great, the weather is great, and the kids are coming up here in a few days and i CAN'T WAIT!!! 

yesterday i cooked over 1000 hamburgers... my gosch... it was insane! and today i made about 200 grilled cheese sandwiches and shredded 6 potroasts... man! what a day! (not to mention i degreased 6 ovens, scraped them clean... whew!)

its  been a long day... but i feel great. its wierd how hard work can make you happy! 

:)

right now im sitting the the ever-popular Hume Staff Lounge, chillen with some peeps named natalie and asher (how cool of a name is that?) and wishing i got more food from the G-Store before they closed... im HUNGRY!! remind me to stock up on stuff tomorrow.

so i have the next 2 days off before i go crazy! i just got my schedual, i wokr monday-saturday 5:30-2:30... im so excited!

yay!

so... i think i might go hit the sack, or hunt down some food. 

God is good, all the time!

-josh

Goodmorning!

its a nice brisk morning here at Hume... it was a great start to a day... i woke up and headed off to breakfast (Camp Pancakes, YUM! :P)  then made my way out ot hte lake to read, and i was reading ecclsiastes, starting in Chapter 3... and it was perfect! it said this: 

A Time for Everything
 1 There is a time for everything, 
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die, 
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, 
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 6 a time to search and a time to give up, 
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, 
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 8 a time to love and a time to hate, 
       a time for war and a time for peace.

a great way to start a summer, im glad i read that. 

I just pray, and ask you to do that same, for God to show me what he wants nfor me this summer... for me to b able to rejoice in the awesome power of God the Father and his son JEsus Christ!

the last thing i read today was in ecc. chapter 5, the very end... it says "God keeps such people so busy enjoying Life that the take no time to brood over the past."... 

how GREAT the grace of God! 

update a little later. 

-Josh

Hello, Howdy, Hola, Bounjourn, Hey!!

Just wanted to say hello, and that I'm writing from the Staff lounge of Hume Lake Christian Camps! It was an amazingly long trip up here, starting at 7:30 thismorning... we got from the 15 to the 379, but didnt see the turn off for the 58, so we ended up all the way up in bishop... yay. 

So the 6 hour drive turned into an 11 hour backtrack and drive up to hume... but finally we made it. Yay

well... im tired, and im starting work tomorrow. 

Have a great night, and Godbless!

-Josh

This is me.

There's this story in the bible where the Disciples are on the move. It's nothing special, they were a traveling ministry, so being on the move wasn't an especially unique aspect of their lives and this particular night, they happened to be out on a lake, in a boat, trying to save some part of the night by cutting across the lake before continuing on their journeys on the other side. Before they knew it a storm came up right in the middle of their crossing. The storm had to be pretty rough to have sent these guys, a good number of them  fisherman who had sailed quite a bit before (one might imagine), into a panic. They tried desperately to keep the boat afloat, pulling out bucket after bucket of water and trying desperately to save the sail and the mast of this ship that probably belonged to one of them. 

It was a crazy, crazy night for them, but the most un-believable thing to these guys wasn't the fact that they were in a storm, or even that in their minds the boat was sinking. The most un-believable thing about this particular trip was their teacher, the man that they chose to follow, the one who had all of these mystical abilities and claimed to be the Meschiach, the messiah, the true Son of God. 

He was asleep in the back of the boat. 

Sleeping right through the storm, probably tired after a long day of teaching and walking, enjoying a nap before they had to dock and get off. 

But the disciples were not happy, they were not happy at all... they run over to Jesus and push him awake and start to scream at him, amazed at his lack of concern: “DON'T YOU CARE IF WE DROWN?” 

Jesus stand up, goes to the front of the boat, sticks out his hand and says to the wind and the waves “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!” and they did. 

And the disciples huddle in the front of the boat, and look over at him saying 

“who is this?”

as much as I don't want to, I can sympathize a lot with these guys yelling. For some reason, as soon as something starts to go wrong, I start to go crazy. I can look good on the outside for a while, but on the inside I'm having a panic attack. I find myself in that situation a lot, and almost always end up thinking to myself “ok God... where the heck are ya, cause this is ridiculous and everything is falling apart”. 

Over the past few days, I have been thinking a lot about the wholeness of the depravity of us, as people. The gravity of our hopeless state, and how easy it really is to feel totally and utterly hopeless. 

There is this thought that is going around that says God is great, and his people are the chosen ones so we must walk with upright heads, broad shoulders and eyes lifted up to the sky, looking for God in the clouds above the city. I have been shoved into this culture of “THE MIGHTY CHRISTIAN” who can smell and breathe holiness, who's greatest strength is his words and his ability to shape them into thoughts that sting the listener but don't reach his soul. Who cares about people so they will see him caring, and who loves people so those who he shows love will know that he is someone who they can rely on. 

Well, My head is often far too big and heavy with depression to be held upright most of the time, my shoulders are rounded and tired, while my eyes are so often looking straight at the ground that I forget to look up. I have trouble breathing deeply due to the surgeries that I have had, and I often cannot get a single sentence out of my mouth without having to go back and correct some dumb mistake I have made. If that is what being a good christian is, I must have something terribly wrong with me.

Too often do I see in myself and in other people around me the characteristics of death and decay that comes from self-promotion and self-idolatry, putting our own self and our agenda's in the place of God's reign and rule in our life. The term “whited sepulcher” is far to authentic a description of our lives than I would like to admit sometimes. 

Along my travels, I have heard os manny people come to bleieve that the only thing God wants out of us is for us to be “good people”, to live respectfully and to honor our elders and to turn the other way when we see something wrong and to always, ALWAYS have a smile on our faces. 

These people are those who are so quick to be the one telling others that they need to step it up, but they tend to leave the most un-touchable pieces of their heart out of the realm of their lecturing. They are good at looking ok, kept together, like they have everything handled. A one man-fully equipped band, that can play anything perfectly... for Jesus, of course. 

When I look a these people, I tend to feel like a loser. I automatically see them and want to be like them, want to have it all together because thats what Jesus would wants, right? 

Something inside of me comes up and says “see... you need to be better, see how good they look, how respectful they are... and now what are you? A failure... why do you even bother?”. 

And there it is... that simple, bone-chilling question inside of me that can turn even my greatest days into days of depression and hopelessness. When all I see around me are things I have done wrong it becomes very hard to see the truth in it all. 

So why do I bother? Why do I bother with this whole “christian” thing? Because the Jesus of the new testament, the Jesus that sits and the right hand of The Father is not sitting there holding you at arms length, saying “what a terrible thing you just did! How could you even think about doing something like that?  You call yourself a christian? why do you even bother?”. no... Jesus Christ is one who eats with prostitutes, enjoys the company of those society deems “untouchable”, He is a God who says to you “are you tired? Burnt out? Come and walk with me... learn the unforced rhythms of grace.”.

See, as long as we keep thinking like that, we will never be comfortable being ourselves around Him, we will ever be able to look at the Face of Jesus and not feel shame, because we automatically place shame on ourselves. We automatically take ourselves out of the running of being a disciple because we screwed up. 

Mark Moore, a Professor at Ozark Christian College in Joplin, MO, once said that our  greatest competition for the love of Jesus isn't the other disciples that we try to impress, nor is it the people at our church who look down on us because of our faults. Our greatest competition for the love of Jesus is ourself, its what we say about ourself: “I can't serve Jesus! Not after what i've done, not after who I am!”  All the while Jesus is saying to us “this is ME! Not the Pharisees, not judgmental people in your church, this is me.”

I think that we get so wrapped up in our own inadequacies that we forget that the God we serve is far greater than what we try to be... that He is the God unlike any other god... one who says to his people “you don't owe anything. I'm paying the price for you. You need not feel any shame anymore. 

This is me.”© 2008 Joshua Quale 

youtube...

i just got a youtube account... 

check it out at youtube.com/hopeispossible

face 2 face

as cheesy as it sounds, i think we hate to feel.

i think we hate to feel things that happen, we hate to be impacted by things, we hate anything like that because it causes us to be shaken beyond our controll sometimes. 

i think right now i am coming face to face, possibly for the first time, with the unconditional love and grace of God throguh jesus christ, and it scares me. 

a glorius morning

There's something really glorious about a new morning... a new beginning. God tells us that his grace is new with each morning... that we are made clean again with each morning, each day... its brand new. 

19 years have gone by in my life.... 

and i have a feeling that all i have to really show for it is just that: God's Grace every morning, made new. 

and yet, there are some cool things that i have noticed lately: 

like yesterday, i ran into a guy that was a middle schooler in my youth group 3 years ago, and we talked a bit and stuff, but that was really cool. 

and then i was at youth last night and i was reminded that the family that i had left is still here, warts and all :)                                              and then i went to a buddy of mines house yesterday, and they, as they always are, were just awesome. 

not to mention hearing my cell phone beep every so often in the night as people sent me text messages saying "happy birthday" and to wake up to countless comments and posts on myspace and facebook, i got to tell ya, 

i really needed that today. 

God uses things that you wouldn't even think of to impact you, you know?

be it a random trip to a gelato shop, or an invite to youth group and the person that invites you doesn't show up... I'm beginning to realize that it might be true, "...and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Thanks to all f you who are making my birthday great, and to all of you who have taught me so much this year. 

God uses us all... im beginning to realize that. :)

love you guys, 

-Josh

"Here's to the Crazy Ones.

The misfits.

The rebels.

The troublemakers. 

The round pegs in the square holes. 

The ones who see things differently. 

They're not fond of rules. 

And they have no respect for the status quo. 

You can quote them, 

disagree with them, 

disbelieve them, 

glorify or vilify them. 

About the only thing that you can't do 

is ignore them. 

Because they change things.

 They invent. They imagine. They heal. 

They explore. They create. They inspire.

 They push the human race forward. 

Maybe they have to be crazy. 

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? 

Or, sit in silence and hear a song that hasn't been written?

Or, gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?

 While some may see them as the crazy ones, 

we see genius.

 Because the ones who are crazy enough 

to think that they can change the world,

are the ones who do.

past or clean slate?

do you ever get the feeling that everything you based your life on, the... the reality that you use, the perception that is your perception suddenly fails... as if suddenly a tornado rolled through your trailer park and you are left sitting there in the aftermath, looking around trying to recreate what was there to begin with... 

in that situation, in that moment, is it better to imagine what was there? or what it would look like with all the devastation taken away? 

This is me

a fantastic poem

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!
-Rudyard kippling

reflections on community...part. 2

what is it about getting close to someone that scares us?

isn't it funny that we are designed to live in community, designed by god to deal with life together... its all over the bible... yet, when we get close to that, we get scared... we freeze... it locks up.

is it wrong to think that we are designed to live in community? is it not possible? is the conflict good for us?


i am a firm believer that we are designed by God to live in community with others... that it is a fault of the fall of man and of our broken world that we build these barriers around us, that we push back when others push foward.

Scripture tells us that we are meant to be living life together... rick warren says in his book The purpose driven life "life is meant to be shared... god intends for us to experience life together".

Galatians tells us to "share each others troubles and problems, and in this way we obey the laws of Christ". All over the bible there are times when people come together to share burdens, to live life together. its seems funny to me how we are so consumed with becoming INDEPENDENT, when if you look at scripture, even the life of Christ, you see that life is not an independent adventure... just like a sports game, "there's no I in team".

if this is the way we are supposed to live, why is it that when we get at all close to someone, our first initial reaction is to freeze up... push away?

sometimes i underestimate the Devils handiwork... and that is definitely not a good thing.

curl up...

i often wonder if God is at all happy with the way the world is working... if he is sitting up outside of time (while he is also all around us) and he is looking around at the world and i wonder if he is shaking his head at all of the pain, or the stupidity, or the people turning their heads away from him... or if he is noticing above the bad, all of the good. all of the people who turn to praise him, all of the people who turn to give him glory above the glory of themselves, above the glory of their nation, above the glory of their family, above everything else.

it had to be a hard thing for Jesus to do... to stare blatantly at peter, who would be tray him, or to stare blatantly at Judas, who would betray him, and say "Follow me", 'cause he knew they would fall. or how hard it had to be for him to look into the eyes of the people who were calling out for him to be crucified and who were spitting on him, or kicking him, or thinking thoughts of disgust and ridicule toward him... and not get that feeling in his chest to disassociate and run away, or better yet to not call down fire from heaven and let his wrath be shown and completely destroy those who turn away from him... all the while knowing that the people who were doing these things were the very people whom he came to die for.

the very notion of Him coming to this world for the sole purpose of dieing is still unfathomable to me.

one year ago my grandfather, a great loving honest man, died suddenly of cancer in his liver and up and down his spine, leaving us, his family, in a whirlwind of aftermath. yesterday i went to the funeral of my great-grandfather, who died from complications from Alzheimer's and diabetes. today, a guy i knew in high school was killed and his twin brother was badly injured, to the point of heavy hospitalization and surgery. last week i got word that another one of the guys i knew in high school died of a drug overdose, and tonight i heard of another high schooler that took her own life last week.

and i often wonder in the middle of this... is this really what God had in mind? is this really something that god sits around and looks at and shakes his head in approval, or in apathy and just watches happen and says "oh well... they'll learn eventually"?

'cause if He is that kind of a god, i dont want to serve him. if He is really a god that just sits there and lets things happen to people like this, or sits back and watches all of the hurt in the world and apathetically says that in the end it will make sense... i dont think i can do this.


it is so easy for me to fall into a pattern like that... seeing all of the hardship and pain in the world... all of the crap and hell the people go through... Jesus wasnt kidding when he said that in this life we will have pain. life is so hard sometimes.

there are times that i dont even want to get out of bed in the morning. that i dont want to take another breath for fear of it hurting too much, that i dont want to stand up anymore for fear of being pushed over and overwhelmed by the weight of my own little world.

Me and David are reading through Romans right now, and its so funny that when paul wrote this book, he wasn't writing it in response to a letter... he hadn't even been there, but it seems like he is giving so much specific information and almost addressing concerns for the hardships of Christians and the questions that we tend to have.

In chapter 8 of his letter, after talking about how the spirit of God helps and moves in us and through us and for us, paul says this small but hugely profound phrase: he says "and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose".

in all things, God works for the good of those who love him...

for the good...

its funny to see that passage and look around at the people who love God and yet still go through crap... sometimes the most un-imaginable hurt that a person can think of. and yet we have this promise, that God always, ALWAYS works for the good of those who love him... sometimes it is so hard for me to understand that... in my life i have had pain, and in the middle of it i dont want to think about how God will use this, i dont want to think about how life will be better, and how its a great thing to be in the hand of God, because in the midst of all of that... it sucks. it really really sucks, and it hurts, and all i can think about is how much i dont want to feel the pain anymore, how much i just want it to be over, how much i want this life to be done with so i can go home...

sometimes all i want to do is run to God and fall into his arms, and have him hold me... hold me while i cry, hold me while i shake with hurt and brokenness... to just hold me, bearing off the wait of the world and giving me rest... finally.

in all things, God works for the good of those who love him...

in all things...

a few chapters later, in chapter 11, a t the very end there is this passage, commonly referred to as the "doxology" ...look at what it says:

33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?"
35"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
36For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

i think that, God right now, while looking around at the hurt and pain in the world, hurts too... because this is not what he has planned, and because his creation is hurting... his children are hurting, but he also not just sitting there like a little kid pouting... he is pouring out his spirit, giving us peace and understanding and comfort and love and joy.

see... God knows the party thats coming, when the dead are raised, when He wins, when he finishes everything and every knee bows and every tongue says that Jesus is Lord... he knows how great that will be... for he is wise and immense in knowledge... but he also cares and loves his children... with a love that never fails.

it says at the end of Romans chapter 8, one of my favorite promises of all of scripture...

"For i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor daemons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of god that is in Christ, Jesus our Lord."

and the God that reigns at the end of time is the same God that says to you "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

GAAAAHHHH!!!

im frustrated...

now.

inhibitors.

sometimes i wish i was smaller. that i would be able to curl up and hide away from people and things around me... its wierd, how god gives us hearts for different things... i have a heart for people and for being of use to people, and it seems recently that im being put in situations where i am helpless to help people, because either i am far away or my help is not even thought of, or worst of all, my help is offered and rejected. its a hard thing to think about, to come to grips with: not having your life be useful... i love it that i can be here, and love people and be tehre and listen to people, but sometimes i feel like im not being used to help people the way i want to... and i am forced to think that it might be something wrong with me... that i am the one to blame for not being mroe open to being used.

i was reading in Luke the other day, and Jesus is informed by his desciples that his mother and brothers are outside the house, and he says "anyone who does the will of God is my mother and sister and brother." later he says "The work of God is this: to believe the one he has sent."

therefore if you believe in the one he sent, then you are a brother of christ... but believing in the one he has sent is HUGE! it requires everything of us...

i hope that i am being the kind of person who encourages that, encourages people to follow and believe in Christ, not be a discourager or an inhibitor.

God help us.

something worth dieing for.

isnt it wierd how we tend to group people together?

i cant tell you how many times i've been talking, sitting around, and someone says something rpovacotive, and immediately someone always asks "whats your major?"

and i sit back and laugh...

anyway, thats not what i want to talk about.

i was feeling restless last night so me and a friend of mine took a drive down the 1... we didnt driv too far, but i just neede to get out and go...

we talked about alot of random things, about girls and about God and about life and jokin around.

but in the midst of it all we started talking about what it means to be a real christian... and i really think that we take the Christian faith a lot easier than it really is. Its funny, when you think about the things that jesus asked us to do, it really comes down to just a few things: Preach the Gospel, and Die to yourself.

and i know that i fail miserably at both of those, and when you look at it... life is hard. the christian life is hard to do... it requires EVERYTHING of you...

and still... Jesus says to us "come to me, you who are weary... and i will give you rest."

To live as a christian is Hard... but thats the amazing thing about Christ, he gave us his name... which is amazing, but far beyond that, he gave us Himself.

to have That, That is worth dieing for.

huh...

i feel this weight in my chest... and i dont know what it is...

i think that life can press in on us sometimes... and a lot of times we cant feel it untill its so heavy that its hard to breath.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-Jesus of Nazareth

thats a Wrap! Ending thoughts of tour

"All that have life and breath, Praise Ye The Lord! Shout to the Lord, Alleluia!"

I'm not entirely sure what to put here... i know i have so many stories to tell, so many awesome realizations about God that i have seen, so many awesome things to think about, but as i sit here in the Fosters Dorm Room, writing a blog and hearing Jonny singing worship songs and praises to Jesus and how awesome that is... i star to think about what was important on tour.

i am tempted to say that the best part of it all was the homestay's, we were blessed with a awesome home-stays and families along our way, people who Loved JESUS and loved other people so much, it was awesome. God was honored with that... God was honored with the people that loved us that much that they wold give away everything to make sure we were taken care of.

i am tempted to say that the most important thing about tour was the concerts and the fun that we had with the people who were there to listen to us, and the kids that came up and sang with us, and the looks on faces when the holy spirit showed up. how awesome was that? pretty awesome.

I'm also tempted to say that the relationships we built on the trip was the most important thing... that we learned so much about so many people, we got closer as a group... i thought it was awesome how i got to know people so much better that i thought i knew pretty well already... but God shows us new thins every day.

i think about all these things, about the people we ministered to, and the people we ministered with and how Gods spirit showed up in it all over the place, but as i sit and write this... the only that that matters to me Right now is that God was praised and glorified with us on the tour...

listening to jonny sing and play his guitar and worship Jesus... to be present for that, and to be a witness to the love that he has for God and how much passion there is in that... to see Gods children truly glorify him... that was the most important thing... the most important thing was that God was the most important thing... that we can live and love him and through that love of him we can love others...

We are definitely designed to live in community with other believers... i don't think there is any getting around that... and this trip just solidified more and more how, when Gods children come together to honor him and have a good time doing it... something special happens: Gods spirit is there with us, and angels join us in praise of Him, and we get the opportunity to join in chorus with every other person on the planet in worshipping our Savior and our God.

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly hosts, Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Now, to the King, eternal immortal and invisible; to the only God be honor and glory and power, Amen!"

We're better together!
-josh

Tour, Day 5

Word of the Day: i honestly cannot remember.
Joke of the day: way to long ot say, but if you've been aorund me, you've probably heard it before, i tell it all the time... "ok, im hiding naked inside a refridgerator".

:)

Journal:
Man oh man... today was a long-distance day... woke up in reedley CA, took a quick shower and got to the bus at 6:00 am. yay. drove 2 hours to Bakersfield CA... got out and sung for the Bakersfield Christian High School students... which went well i guess... hgih school students, what can you do?

then we had lunch and got on the bus and drove straight from Bakersfield to Vegas, with a 20 minute stop in between (where i had my favorite, PANDA!! and the best orange chicken ive ever had)... with the stop it took us about 4:45 minutes to get to vegas. we drove through downtown and went straght to an AG church, had dinner and sung there and now im sitting at this great awesome house... with the nicest people you will ever meet.

its funny, im loving the tour... i thought i was going ot hate it at first... but im really loving it... chillen with Jonny and rachel and Kyei and Tim and all of us, finding out how we can work together to get stuff done... singing and blessing peole and really, honestly ministering to peoples lives every day. i never thought you could do that with a choir.... i thought choir was all about rules and music, and it is to a point, but the fruits of that are the people who you can see are being renewed by the Holy SPirit's move through us and in us... how awesome is it that we can share in that awesome experience!

i've been thinking a lot lately about community... and how we are meant to live in it and what that looks like... but more of that to come later... after tour, when the person next to me isnt trying to go to sleep.

never forget: God is good, all the time!
Rejoice!

we're truly better together!
-Josh

day 4

Word: Duende: to attract someone with natural ability

6:45 am- main thought: “why am I awake right now?”

After lunch: its been a great day so far… morning… I didn’t want to get up, and I didn’t want to get dressed, but we got to this school and the theatre was HUGE!

After that we went to a giant mall and me went to a STARBUCKS!! And then to borders and then to sit in front of a random café and played Egyptian Rat Skrew, BS and Catch Phrase for about 1 ½ hours. Then to a menonite church… which was HUGE… and I now im sitting in a house outside or Reedley CA with some great guys who are in high school.

Now… sleep sounds great!!

God is teaching me something: Rejoice: God has overcome the World.

So I woke up today and said to myself: Maybe today, Lord, Maybe today.

day three

Word of the Day: Lucubrate, meaning “To stay up late to study” if you need to lucubrate later, that’s between you and Jesus, but it may be necessary to graduate”

Joke of the day: Whats worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman who wont do what they’re told.

Journal: today started out really really early!

We thought we had to be at the bus at 6:20, but we already got up at 5:00… lame… and we went to the gas station to get water and stuff at 6:15, and while we’re there Johhny gets a call that says we’re already 15 minutes late and we were supposed to be there at 6:00 am. Lame.

But, once on the bus, Jaimee did a devotional and said something that really stood out to me… in passing, she said “we are called right now to where we are”… and that just hit me. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what im going to do after college, and how im going to prepare myself, and what that might look like, and how god is preparing me now, and that just hit me… we are called by god to be where I am riht now… and that was amazing for me. The rest of the day followed suit. We went to this really HUGE house tonight, amazingly big and grand and right by a river and lots of property… it was just a huge house… and it’s a friend of mines house from VU… who knew?

I got a call at night that said my grandfather had had a diabetic coma and was not doing so well at the moment, he was not responsive and not able to do anything… not the knews I was wanting to hear about a that moment in the trip. God has really been working with me on the whole acceptance thing is truggle with… its amazing how, when you atruggle with something and God wants something to happn abot it.. he just shoves it at you… that’s what ive been feeling like on this trip… from when I heard about roommate situations for next year, to the way I have been feeling left out myself… and I have ot be really careful not to fall into that any more… im startingt o realize that Gods grace really is enough… for everything. Its changing my perpective on things…

So, we stayed in a hotel tonight… yay. No internet access… I guess this journal will remain on Word until I find it… the word shal never know my secrets! Lol

More to come.

Day two

Word of the day: Loquacious

Joke of the day: how do you get a guitar player to play softer? Put sheet music in front of him.

Journal:

Waking up in the morning wasn’t a pleasant experience… we got up at 6:45, and had to be at the church by 7:20… no bueno. Warm ups, tired voice, tired body not wanting to wake up…

The concert started to go on, and I wasn’t really in the mood to be singing at that point… I was thinking about my voice being gone, the fact that this was only the first of 8 days on tour, and the first of three concerts that day. It was going to be a long day… but then something caught my attention: I was looking out, and there about 5 rows back on the aisle was this little old man, looked like he was about 55 or 60, and he… he was happy. He was SO happy, raising his hands while we worshipped, dancing around, literally dancing around the aisles and clapping and cheering for jesus. Man… that broke me a little bit… if I am struggling over these dumb, meaningless nothings and letting them ruin my day, and this guy is throwing all his cares away and loving and worshipping and dancing with jesus… how amazing is that? And who am I to not? Who am I to let these meaningless nothings get in the way of my ministry to these people?

And then there was the 5 people in the middle section that were crying all through the service because they had lost a member of their family this week… and while we’re having a fun time and joking around, these people are crying and hurting… those are the people that need our love… or the kids that came up and sang with us on “peace like a river” last night… I believe that Christ’s hands and feet are yes, the hands and feet of missionaries, and of pastors and stuff, but also they are in the love of one person for another. these are the people that we are sent to… and I need to get out of the way of my own feelings and frustrations and worries… God will provide, I need to trust that.

More to come later.

Thoughts:

Why do we play with fire?
Why do we run our finger through the flame?
Why do we leave our hand on the stove-
Although we know we're in for some pain?

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.

-Jonathan Larson

just singin along: Choir Tour 2008- Part 1

so... i think im going to be keeping a log of things over tour on here... just to pass the time and wrap up thoguhts i might have for the next few days. so thats what im going to do... bear with me please.

Day 1
That was one of the longest bus rides in the world! :)

sitting on the bus for 5 1/2 hours.

yay.

but it was good... chillen with Jonny foster and C.S. Lewis, havin taco bell and tellin stories... good times.

then we got to the church and chilled/set up for a while. My voice just died as soon as we got the the church, so i spent the time there not singing and *trying not to talk... thats really hard for me... :)

now, im at the homestay, chillen with the fam and eatin dinner and watching aaron play a dumb "spank the monkey game" on his laptop, and writing a few words down.

God is always faithful and always good... and i am trying to learn to be content in any situation.

God;s working on that with me...

well...another fun-filled adventure of singing tomorrow...

yay CHOIR TOUR!!

garden-talk

JEsus decided one night to go to a garden, right before he knew he was going to die... he chose to go to a garden and pray to His father... this had to be the hardest time in His life... Luke actually says that His sweat "was like drops of blood falling to the ground"... its an interesting phenomenon, this "sweat and blood" thing. it has been shown in medical journals i have looked up and in individual cases of people going through times of excruciatingly-high levels of stress to have the pressure of Blood-Gasses and bloodpressure rise so high that it over-powers the small capillaries around the face, and you will actually start to "sweat blood", meaning small amounts of blood, mixed with sweat, will come out of your pores... this only happens under times of Extreme Mental Stress... jesus was wiggin...

I dont know about you, but when i get mad or frustrated, i tend not to want to share it with people... i bottle it up inside, i mull it over in my mind and in my stomache, and i start to feel like i have to throw up and i start to sweat terribly and get almost catatonic... people will talk to me and i have no idea what they are saying, people are touching me and i dont register it... i bottle things up so much when i get mad or frustrated... i dont like to talk about it... and i think this is what jesus was doing... just mulling it over and over and over in his mind, the pain he was going ot have to recieve and the torture it was going to be... and he realised that the only way he was going to get through it is if he completely relied on God the Father to hold him up... and in the end, i guess it did... held him up to a cross...

but the thing that i am concerned about is not the garden or the prayer, its who he brought with him... Jesus always, it seemed, had these three guys around him... Peter, James and John. James and John were brothers and PEter was a lowly sinner and ignorant fisherman, completely un-worthy and actually shunned away from any type of religious scholarship. Peter was a screwup, his buddy's were fisherman too, they were skrewups too... but for somereaosn, JEsus always had these three guys around him... and you know that they were important to him, that they meant the World to Him, because he takes them with him off by themselves almost, it seems, just for comfort and for possibly one last conversation between these four good friends... but peter, James and john do what they are good at... they skrew up. Jesus asks them to sit over here and pray (im guessing they werent exactly sure what to pray for, but nevertheless, to pray) and jesus went, as luke says, "about a stones throw"... so about maybe 35, 40 feet away and prays himself. but see... it was late, they just had a big dinner, and these three boys are getting kind tired and they soon, in the middle of praying kinda lose their thought and fall asleep.

Now, i cant prove this, but i think im right... i can just imagine Jesus comes back from praying the first time to talk with his friends about whats on His mind... and as he walks up, he finds them all asleep... and like i said, i cant prove this, but ill bet he got this sinking feeling in his stomache, because the people whom he counted closest to him had let him down again.

He goes on to wake them up and kinda confront them a little bit and thees more prayer and more confronting and wake-up and such... and the story goes on... but i am really interested in that little exchange.


I am a firm believer that life is not meant to be lived by yourself... i think that just about every social aspect of life was designed to be lived in community with everyone around us... you can stone me if you want to or point fingers and tell me that i am wrong and a heathen if you want, but nothing i have seen in this life points otherwise. i am a firm believer that we are better together. that God has wired each and every one of us to be communal people. (i have a secret... im not the only one who feels this way... look at the work of Shain Claiborne and Rick Warren and that other guy... Jesus i think his name was...=P) All through the bible you get these stories of people being relational, of worshipping and having an intimate relationship with God as well as people. WE read verses like Ecclesiastes 4:7-9 and Proverbs 27:17, which talk about people sharpening people and living life together in ralationship with God... and i dont think there is any way to get away from that.

Now, this is not to discount the hugely-important idea of spending alone time with yourself and with God, dont get me wrong. that is extremely important, but i think that if you look at the way we think and live and the creator that made us, we have tno other choice but to be relational people. Look at Genesis 1, "we will make man in OUR own image, to be LIKE US". God, in his very nature, is relational. we, in our nature, are relational.

i am really interested in what wold happen if we started to try and live our lives this way. WE, in america, are taught that there is no greater virtue then to be completely independant, that to not rely on anyone... that is real freedom. and we want to be free! Right? well... first of all... there is something amazingly different about the gospel of the United states and the GOspel of Jesus... in the Gospel of america, independance is key... in the Godpel of JEsus, INTER-dependance, or Co-dependance, is key... we are not saved by our independant faith an ability ot rely on ourself, we are saved by our faith and assurance in Jesus and god, taking our independance out of the equation, and all throughout the bible we see stories and wisdom words that almost scream out "DON'T YOU GET IT? LIVE YOUR LIVE'S TOGETHER! HELP EACHOTHER! Build one-another up and help sharpen eachother to be who God made you to be!"

Just as Jesus had his small- close-knit group around him, what would it look like if we did that? if we brought and built up a small close-knit group of friends that we could all encourage and strengthen eachother and walk through life, not as individuals trying to find our way, but as a small group of the Church of Christ that is coming at the trials and joys of the world together, saying "Our God is King, and His Kingdom Reigns!"?

what would that look like?

or, i guess the better question is... why isn't it happening already?

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecc. 4:9-12

-Josh

i feel stuck in the middle...

it sucks, when you find yourself between a rock and a hardplace. at first, all you can thin about it getting the heck out of there, and how you would do that... but then, it seems that every time you try to move, it hurts... and eventually you get to the point where all you want to do is stay there, becasue just the thoguht of trying to get out scares you.

why does life have to be so hard sometimes?

Father Abraham.... had many sons...

I think i am finding myself at a crossroads in my life...

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

Psalm 88 (The Message Paraphrase)

A Korah Prayer of Heman

1-9 God, you're my last chance of the day. I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.

9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?

13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.

i've discovered...

i suck at dieing to myself.

lifeboat

do you ever feel like you re drowning? you are kicking and kicking and struggling against the water, against the tides and the ups and downs and at first its not that bad, its not easy, but not terrible, and yet, and the time goes on, it seems like the kicking gets harder, the water gets colder and feels so much bigger... bigger than you. and suddenly, you start to see sharks circling underneath you, and you cannot even be sure if they are there... you are second-guessing your self, and then second-guessing your second-guess and you just...get...so..tired...

...and you wonder if help will ever come at all.


i feel like im drowning... tha has been a pretty realistic example of my life the past few weeks... and i dont know why... i cant even explain what i am fighting against... i cannot put a name on it yet... but i feel like im drowning... im at my last efforts of struggle... the end of my candle, and it seems like the water is getting darker and colder, ever so slightly, and it goes on.

i hate it that i have feelings and confusion that i bury deep within me... that i wont let anybody in on... that i keep tripping up in my walk with god, that i keep questioning why God would ever love me? how, and even if it is possible for Him to love me. i mean, honestly, who would love me? who, in their right mind, would even think about loving someone like me? i mean, would you love someone if they kept turning their back on you and shoving you away?

I dont know what to do... im drowning, and its almost i cannot reach out for a life raft because i dont think i even have the strength for that.

im just this little person in this huge sea, too tired to cry out for help, and almost too tired to keep fighting for air...

"I have no fear of drowning, its the breathing thats taking all this work" -Jars of clay

rescue

sometime i wonder why we are here on earth at all... why God made us, what was his purpose in even wanting to create beings such as us?

i heard it said once that god creating us was the most self-less thing he could do, to create others to share in Glorifying him... and i wonder, if God's very act of creating us was complete and total selflessness, shouldnt it make sense that we also must live a life that is selfless?

i look at the life of christ, and how, during His ministry on earth, he lived a life of complete selflessness... how amazing is that? that the king of Glory, the God of our very existence would make himself completely and utterly... human.

i can't wrap my mind around that...


complete.

utterly graphic.

Wholly Horrific collision of worlds.

God's Majesty is here, God's salvation,

Rescue is here, it's present,

its now.


and to think, we take this rescue, this great savior that is here with us, and we turn our backs on him, or we turn our backs and scoff at those whom we see as less than ourselves... which, really, is the same thing.

God says that we cannot love Hima nd hate his children.

it's wierd, but sometimes i feel like i just can's wrap my mind around that.

sigh...

God, sometimes i wonder why you have called me to do this. why you have called me here, to this place and this time. i know that everything is turned around and used for your glory, and that all tings always point back to you in some way, but God... why me? why here? why now?

who am i to carry your word? who am i to speak for you? who am i to even talk about you? i have no rite to talk about you or speak for you, or do anything on your behalf. i am so terrible, so wretched and undesirable... i was thinking about the term unworthy today with David and its almost as if the price you paid is far too high for me... the price you paid is way too much... i am so unvaluable that you must be crazy to desire a relationship with me... im a slug. im a worm... you have made that quite clear. and yet... you wtill love me. i don't get it. i am nothing, yet you actually... care. you actually overpaid for me, but you did it gladly. what kind of god would do something like that for a being that he created? its like you created us from dirt, and then you die for the dirt.

God, help me to be always thankful and always open for your wisdom and love and direction, and give me courage and peace as i go foward or stay back. thank you so much, God, for the people you have put in my life to encourage me... i cannot thank you enough for those very few who it seems are always there for me, letting your love spread out through them consistantly.

Lord, teach me how to love. your way.

i love you, God, and i praise You... for you alone are Sovereign.

and you alone are good.

dying to self.

DYING TO SELF

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take in all in patient, loving silence.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when you stand face-to- face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility-and endure it as Jesus endured.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any society, any raiment, any interruption by the will of God.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

Are you dead yet?

"That I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death." Phil.3:10

-unknown

---

obituary

do you ever think about what it will be like when you die? so many people tend to wonder what people will say about them when they die, or if they have made an impact on other people, but i was just wondering what i would say to other people when i die... like, if i were to die today, what would i say to the friends and family? what would be most important? like, to mom thanks for raising me and loving me, to jeff thanks for being there, to grandparents id thank them and tell them all how much i love them, to Cass and Ash id tell them that there is a buffalo exchange in Heaven, tell david the throne of God will be made of muddy-buddies, and on and on and on... i start to wonder if people that are around me really know how much they mean to me, really understand what it is like for me to see them.

i remember how weird it was the first time a friend of mine actually asked to come along with me to do something, or made that kind of gesture, and how amazing it felt, and i really do think that people are put into other people's lives to be a blessing to them and to impact them, and i cannot put into words how much those around me have impacted me and how much i have grown because of them.

i dont know why exactly im writing this blog... this is just something that has been on my mind lately.

God is funny that way...

read this poem... i like it:

Passing Glimpse

I often see flowers from a passing car
That are gone before I can tell what they are.

I want to get out of the train and go back
To see what they were beside the track.

I name all the flowers I am sure they weren't;
Not fireweed loving where woods have burnt--

Not bluebells gracing a tunnel mouth--
Not lupine living on sand and drouth.

Was something brushed across my mind
That no one on earth will ever find?

Heaven gives its glimpses only to those
Not in position to look too close.
-Robert Frost.

I love friendship...

it has occurred to me that i am completely bi-olar when it comes to my friends. sometimes i will sit around feeling all droopy thinking i dont have any, and other times i will be so amazed at the amazingness of the people who call me "friend".

sometimes i still can't get over it, that people call me "friend". it just amazes me... i have friends.


God loves us... and he shows us His love through His children and his creation.

God is Love...

that is his definition.

my roomate is a math major, and is crazy about math.

He would say

God = Love, the "=" means that it is an exact equivalent.

its not that He has love,

its not even that He loves,

its GOD IS Love!

how awesome that we get to share in that!

whenever i get frustrated... i remember...

our God reigns...

waking up in the dark.

its wierd... i dont know if i like it, but i feel like im always competing against something or someone to be better than. i feel like i have so much pressure on me from all these different angles, friends, people at school, proffessors, parents, myself. i wake up every morning at 6 to be at work at 6:30, and sometimes it sucks getting up that early, but i love the morning, when i finally get the courage to sit up in bed and take on the world. that sitting up part, at least for me, is the hardest part of waking up. its a conscious battle in my head where i am convincing myself that i can stay in bed, it'll be ok if i just lay down for ten more minutes, right? and slowly i get the courage to sit up and i think, every morning, that i am going to have to deal with so much as soon as i sit up.

but i sit up, and its still dark out... its quiet, all i can hear is the hum of the heater and the breathing of kevin... and all of my fears are gone, all of my worry subsides. i sit, i talk to god, praise him and ask him for courage and guidance, and get up and turn on the light.

and start my day.

i hate it when i sin. and i know i do it consciously sometimes, and i hate it even more... afterwords i always want to run into the blankets of my bed and hide under the covers because i cannot bear to feel God's stare on me... to feel the disappointment and guilt. and it is the hardest thing for me to actually get the courage to pull the covers back, to dare gods judgement, to chance his guilt, and in essence, to really believe in his grace.

sometimes i wonder if i ever will have that courage to truly be ok with the fact that he sees everything, he knows everything. see, i can hold the covers over my head all i want to, i can "hide" as much as i want... but the scary part is that god can see through the covers... and every time i think about it... my heart starts to race. but i need to remember that as swift as Gods judgment is, and as sovereign as he is... his grace is just and swift, and just like he did in john11:35 with mary... he weeps with me, because im hurting, and he cares.

i love mornings because i am alone, and gods grace is made new... and no metter what happens that day, i know that god is GOD and he is MY SHEPHERD.