Well today i was officially voted on and welcomed as the new youth pastor at Huntington Beach Baptist Church.
i had the first youth group with me having that position, and it was pretty legit... and everyone had a large desire for chinese food afterwards.
i got home and a song came up on my itunes that speaks into what im experiencing perfectly...
it's called "should i tell them" by Shawn Groves.
Walking with you is not without hazards
Trippings this traveler's curse
Price paid for falling is more than my stumble
In a world that is watching and waiting for words
But I listened when You said to go
And I set out in spite of my fears
About truth mixed with my imperfection
And the question of what to say when I got here
And now that I'm here
Should I tell them that
You are the one who has made me
And saved me and set up a home there inside
Should I tell them that I am a perfect example
Of all You can do with a life.
What should I say to them?
What if I'm failing them?
What should i tell the tonight?
Now don't get me wrong
I'm thankful to be here
With this song to sing and a spotlight on me,
But lately I'm wondering if you are mistaken,
If you're seeing all of me there is to see.
Cause on every face I detect
The same questions I've posed to you
Like do you speak through the imperfect
Are we too dirty for your light to get through?
I want your light to get through.
What should I tell them when
They're thirsty Lord
My cup is empty Lord
Come and lead me here in this place
Cuz I'm honest, yeah, but I'm unprepared
And I'm just plain afraid...
Should I tell them that
You are the one who has made me
And saved me and set up a home there inside
Should I tell them that I am a perfect example
Of all You can do with a life.
What should I say to them?
What if I'm failing them?
What should i tell the tonight?
this is what im feeling.
i'm often wondering, looking up at God and wondering if he really knows me and who i am... if he really knows who I am, because if he did... would he really be sending me to do this? i mean... who am I? why me? what did i do deserve this?
a dear friend kindly reminded me that there may be better experienced people out there, but they are not HERE... and God does not overlook anything or put people in positions that he doesn't intends to use them in... and i am willing to be here, but i don't know if i can do it right... "what shoudl i tell them? what if i'm failing them..."
here i am, this is me... and i know that i am nothing... which is why i know this is a God thing... because this would have never happened unless he had ordained it.
Should I tell them that
You are the one who has made me
And saved me and set up a home there inside
Should I tell them that I am a perfect example
Of all You can do with a life.
What should I say to them?
What if I'm failing them?
What should i tell the tonight?
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
why?
It's funny to think that in some times in our lives we get the feeling that life would be so much better if we were in a play. if our lives were scripted. if all we ever had to do was play the part written for us, for that small amount of time, then walk off stage, shake it off and go out for dinner with our friends. It almost always surprises me that Life is often stranger than fiction.
I heard a quote once, "...because take a look around. why would sanity make sense?"
How often our worlds end up flipped upside down and all we can think about is the desire within us to right it, to put it back the way it was, or to turn it into the way it was supposed to be. and when we fail at that endeavor, we cringe and fall under the immense weight of despair and hopelessness.
why is there hurting in the world?
One of my professors taught a new testament survey class once, and one day he walked into class in a robe and phylacteries in order to role-play a Jewish rabbi. he told stories and took questions about his faith (as the rabbi) and expressed in great detail the wonder of being a Jew.
One student brought up the Holocaust, and asked him of his views on that.
"the holocaust was a very horrible time for my people, and we endured many things and lost many things through that time... what a terrible time for us, terrible...terrible..." he explained.
One of his students decided to challenge the professor and said "I believe that the holocaust was a good thing because, in spite of the killing, it deepened you faith and made it more real".
a good thing?
At that moment, the Professor looked away from the boy, to the top left corner of the auditorium, where a young girl, just out of high school, sat... tears welling up in her eyes.
The professor was the only one in the room who knew this girls story.
She had had a baby at the age of 15, and Social Services had come and taken the baby out of her home because no one in the home was fit to raise the child.
This girl had come to College to get a degree,in hopes that one day she would be able to care for her baby again.
Just before class, the girl had recieved a phone call from the baby's socail worker who told her that early that morning that baby had been beaten by a medical worker and had died the hour before.
now, with this ignorant student in the front row proclaiming that it is good for these things to happen, because they deepen our faith, she was un-able to move. he breath had gone short and her bottom lip was quivering in a feeble attempt to keep the tears welling up in her eyes from running down her face.
why do bad things happen?
why do we live in a world so broken, and why the hell are there so FEW PEOPLE out there trying to fix it?
We as people hate noticing things that need to be fixed. we hate going to a shrink because we think we have it all together, we hate having an intimate relationship with God because we might feel inadequate and broken, we even sometimes hate getting into a relationship with some one else because that person might end up leaving us and we would feel that same sting of guilt.
we hate seeing a homeless person on the street, and when we do we look straight ahead, afraid that if we look at him, we will have that FEELING again.
we hate feeling our own depravity, so we walk around with a facade of care and a true sense of apathy toward the world around us.
my question is this: why, if there is pain in the world, are so few people trying to take it away?
why?
"The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." -Jesus
I heard a quote once, "...because take a look around. why would sanity make sense?"
How often our worlds end up flipped upside down and all we can think about is the desire within us to right it, to put it back the way it was, or to turn it into the way it was supposed to be. and when we fail at that endeavor, we cringe and fall under the immense weight of despair and hopelessness.
why is there hurting in the world?
One of my professors taught a new testament survey class once, and one day he walked into class in a robe and phylacteries in order to role-play a Jewish rabbi. he told stories and took questions about his faith (as the rabbi) and expressed in great detail the wonder of being a Jew.
One student brought up the Holocaust, and asked him of his views on that.
"the holocaust was a very horrible time for my people, and we endured many things and lost many things through that time... what a terrible time for us, terrible...terrible..." he explained.
One of his students decided to challenge the professor and said "I believe that the holocaust was a good thing because, in spite of the killing, it deepened you faith and made it more real".
a good thing?
At that moment, the Professor looked away from the boy, to the top left corner of the auditorium, where a young girl, just out of high school, sat... tears welling up in her eyes.
The professor was the only one in the room who knew this girls story.
She had had a baby at the age of 15, and Social Services had come and taken the baby out of her home because no one in the home was fit to raise the child.
This girl had come to College to get a degree,in hopes that one day she would be able to care for her baby again.
Just before class, the girl had recieved a phone call from the baby's socail worker who told her that early that morning that baby had been beaten by a medical worker and had died the hour before.
now, with this ignorant student in the front row proclaiming that it is good for these things to happen, because they deepen our faith, she was un-able to move. he breath had gone short and her bottom lip was quivering in a feeble attempt to keep the tears welling up in her eyes from running down her face.
why do bad things happen?
why do we live in a world so broken, and why the hell are there so FEW PEOPLE out there trying to fix it?
We as people hate noticing things that need to be fixed. we hate going to a shrink because we think we have it all together, we hate having an intimate relationship with God because we might feel inadequate and broken, we even sometimes hate getting into a relationship with some one else because that person might end up leaving us and we would feel that same sting of guilt.
we hate seeing a homeless person on the street, and when we do we look straight ahead, afraid that if we look at him, we will have that FEELING again.
we hate feeling our own depravity, so we walk around with a facade of care and a true sense of apathy toward the world around us.
my question is this: why, if there is pain in the world, are so few people trying to take it away?
why?
"The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." -Jesus
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
the fun of the campaign... wow!
I really like mcCain... but this scares me a little bit... and makes me laugh at the same time... can you say "appealing to the crowd?"
Sunday, September 21, 2008
no subject necessary...
i don't know who told people i was strong enough to handle this... but im not.
i promise.
i promise.
new PICTURE GALLERY
so.... i have a new photo gallery... check it out!
http://gallery.mac.com/jquale
YAY!!!
http://gallery.mac.com/jquale
YAY!!!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
still amazing me...
"Your first dawn blinded you, left you cursing the day.
Entrance is crucial and its not without pain.
Theres no path to follow, once youre here.
Youll climb up the slide and then youll slide down the stairs.
It's foreign on this side,
But it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide
But I don't think I'm scared"
-This Side, by Nickel Creek
Joy. and brilliance
both, included.
Entrance is crucial and its not without pain.
Theres no path to follow, once youre here.
Youll climb up the slide and then youll slide down the stairs.
It's foreign on this side,
But it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide
But I don't think I'm scared"
-This Side, by Nickel Creek
Joy. and brilliance
both, included.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
thoughts of a tired soul...
This has been a rough weekend... a long nights day. :)
today, though, i found comfort in this story:
A young jewish man goes to his rabbi and says to him
"Rabbi, why is it that the law says that the the word is to be written on out heart, not within our heart?"
and the rabbi said "so that, when your heart breaks, the words will fall inside."
I have also found that Nickel Creek has a way of speaking to me in ways i never thought possible: "its foreign on this side, and the truth is a bitter friend."
love all, worship one.
-Josh
p.s. for all of you, "a true friend rides in your car, no matter how many times you have almost killed them".
meditate on this. :D
today, though, i found comfort in this story:
A young jewish man goes to his rabbi and says to him
"Rabbi, why is it that the law says that the the word is to be written on out heart, not within our heart?"
and the rabbi said "so that, when your heart breaks, the words will fall inside."
I have also found that Nickel Creek has a way of speaking to me in ways i never thought possible: "its foreign on this side, and the truth is a bitter friend."
love all, worship one.
-Josh
p.s. for all of you, "a true friend rides in your car, no matter how many times you have almost killed them".
meditate on this. :D
Thursday, September 04, 2008
ministries collide!
so... this weekend I am leading worship at Community with the guys again... can't wait for that, YAY!!
then sunday ngiht, its my first day as the Director of youth Ministries at Huntington Beach Baptist Church... Please pray for me, and for the students... for their sake. :x
and then on tuesday night, we're kicking off another new ministry im spearheading right now called "The Losers Club: Chillin with the least of these"... im really stoked about this!
heres the info, so if you are in the area of Vanguard University, please stop by!
Please keep me in prayer this year, that i may always remember to keep my hand help on to God alone, "blooming where i stand". (thanks qwest)
God is good, All the time.
love ya guys,
-Josh
then sunday ngiht, its my first day as the Director of youth Ministries at Huntington Beach Baptist Church... Please pray for me, and for the students... for their sake. :x
and then on tuesday night, we're kicking off another new ministry im spearheading right now called "The Losers Club: Chillin with the least of these"... im really stoked about this!
heres the info, so if you are in the area of Vanguard University, please stop by!
Please keep me in prayer this year, that i may always remember to keep my hand help on to God alone, "blooming where i stand". (thanks qwest)
God is good, All the time.
love ya guys,
-Josh
Sunday, August 31, 2008
the fire pit...
im back at hume, and im freezing... things never really change do they? :)
its about 8 pm, and program staff forgot to light the fire in front of the snack shop, so im really a bit chilled at the moment. the long sleeve amor shirt is not holding its own out here, as i hoped it would.
as i look in front of me a small dog with a bow strapped around her head is wondering around the table, testing the confines of her small leash. she keeps trying to climb to unlit-fire pit to see whats inside.
its funny how we can find reminders of ourselves everywhere.
i wonder if the dog really likes the bow thats strapped to her head... if she really knew what the fashion trends are in the dog world, would she be wearing a bow that is so 1998?
or would she be thinking its really that important to be going into the still-unlit fire pit if she knew what was inside of it?
i wonder what our lives would be like, if we were like that... if we had a dumb bow strapped to out head and didnt care, rather than tryingt o buy $300 jeans that "just fit right"; or if our greatest desire would be to get into a fire pit rather than politics...
how would our lives be different if it were all a little simpler?
i think we would echo something a very smart girl once said: life is divine chaos. embrace it. forgive yourself. breath. yeah...
love all, worship one.
-Josh
its about 8 pm, and program staff forgot to light the fire in front of the snack shop, so im really a bit chilled at the moment. the long sleeve amor shirt is not holding its own out here, as i hoped it would.
as i look in front of me a small dog with a bow strapped around her head is wondering around the table, testing the confines of her small leash. she keeps trying to climb to unlit-fire pit to see whats inside.
its funny how we can find reminders of ourselves everywhere.
i wonder if the dog really likes the bow thats strapped to her head... if she really knew what the fashion trends are in the dog world, would she be wearing a bow that is so 1998?
or would she be thinking its really that important to be going into the still-unlit fire pit if she knew what was inside of it?
i wonder what our lives would be like, if we were like that... if we had a dumb bow strapped to out head and didnt care, rather than tryingt o buy $300 jeans that "just fit right"; or if our greatest desire would be to get into a fire pit rather than politics...
how would our lives be different if it were all a little simpler?
i think we would echo something a very smart girl once said: life is divine chaos. embrace it. forgive yourself. breath. yeah...
love all, worship one.
-Josh
Thursday, August 28, 2008
wow... ill say it backwords... wow
this is a comment in response to an article on Obama's acceptance speech at the democratic natl. convention.
i hope this is satire...
wow...
-josh
i hope this is satire...
wow...
-josh
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
wow
so much to say and not to much time to write them down.
life is good... God is great,
people on the floor ar amazing,
old friends are great
new friends are awesome
feeling better all the time
singing a song of hope,
sing along.
love all, worship one
-Josh
life is good... God is great,
people on the floor ar amazing,
old friends are great
new friends are awesome
feeling better all the time
singing a song of hope,
sing along.
love all, worship one
-Josh
Sunday, August 10, 2008
on the road again...
im sitting here, my last ngiht at hume lake, and its around 65 degrees outside.
im gonna miss this.
i have a long day of driving tomorrow, so im about to go hit the sack i think.
God is sOOOO Good, and his people are full of His love!
hopefully see some of you soon,
Be love
-Josh
im gonna miss this.
i have a long day of driving tomorrow, so im about to go hit the sack i think.
God is sOOOO Good, and his people are full of His love!
hopefully see some of you soon,
Be love
-Josh
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
thats MY king...
Boy I wish I could describe Him to ya...
-My King is the King of the Jews (That's a racial king)
-He is the King of Israel (That's a national king)
-He's the King of Righteousness
-He's the King of Glory
-He's the King of Kings
-He's the Lord of Lords
Thats my king
-David said, "the heavens declare the glory of God and the firmaments show of his handiwork"
-My King is a soveirgn King
-No means of measure can define his limitless love
-No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of his shoreless supply
-No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out his blessings
-He is enduringly stong
-He is entirely sincere
-He's eternally steadfast
-He's immortally graceful
-He's imperially powerful
-He's impartially merciful
-He is the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world
-He's God's son
-He's a sinners saviour
-He's the centerpeice of civilization
-He stands in the of Himself
-He's unique
-He's unparalle
-He's unprecedented
-He is the loftess idea in literature
-He's the highest personality in philosophy
-He is the supreme problem in high criticism
-He’s the fundamental doctrine of true theology
-He is the necessity for spiritual religion
-He’s the miracle of the age
-He is the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him
-He’s the only one qualified to be an all-sufficient saviour
-He supplies strength for the weak
-He’s available for the tempted and the tried
-He sympathizes and He saves
-He strengthens and sustains
-He guards and He guides
-He heals the sick
-He cleanses the lepers
-He forgives the sinners
-He discharges the debtors
-He delivers the captives
-He defends the feeble
-He blesses the young
-He serves the unfourtunate
-He rewards the diligent
-And He beautifies the meek
This is my King!!!
-He is the Key to Knowledge
-He is the Well-spring of Wisdom
-He’s the Doorway of Deliverance
-He’s the Pathway of Peace
-He’s the Roadway of Righteousness
-He’s the Highway of Holiness
-He’s the Gateway of Glory
-His office is manifold
-His promise is sure
-His life is matchless
-His goodness is limitless
-His mercy is everlasting
-His love never changes
-His word is enough
-His grace is sufficient
-His reign is righteous
-And His yoke is easy
-And His burden is light
I wish I could describe Him to ya…
-He’s indescribable
-He’s incomprehensible
-He’s invincible
-He’s irresistible
-You can’t get Him off your mind
-You can’t out live Him
-You can’t live without Him
-The Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him
-Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him
-The witnesses couldn’t get their testimonies to agree
-Herod couldn’t kill Him
-Death couldn’t hold him
-And the grave couldn’t contain Him
That’s my King!!!
And His is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory; forever, and ever, and ever, and ever- How long is that?- And ever, and ever… And when you get through all the forever’s, then amen!
-My King is the King of the Jews (That's a racial king)
-He is the King of Israel (That's a national king)
-He's the King of Righteousness
-He's the King of Glory
-He's the King of Kings
-He's the Lord of Lords
Thats my king
-David said, "the heavens declare the glory of God and the firmaments show of his handiwork"
-My King is a soveirgn King
-No means of measure can define his limitless love
-No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of his shoreless supply
-No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out his blessings
-He is enduringly stong
-He is entirely sincere
-He's eternally steadfast
-He's immortally graceful
-He's imperially powerful
-He's impartially merciful
-He is the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world
-He's God's son
-He's a sinners saviour
-He's the centerpeice of civilization
-He stands in the of Himself
-He's unique
-He's unparalle
-He's unprecedented
-He is the loftess idea in literature
-He's the highest personality in philosophy
-He is the supreme problem in high criticism
-He’s the fundamental doctrine of true theology
-He is the necessity for spiritual religion
-He’s the miracle of the age
-He is the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him
-He’s the only one qualified to be an all-sufficient saviour
-He supplies strength for the weak
-He’s available for the tempted and the tried
-He sympathizes and He saves
-He strengthens and sustains
-He guards and He guides
-He heals the sick
-He cleanses the lepers
-He forgives the sinners
-He discharges the debtors
-He delivers the captives
-He defends the feeble
-He blesses the young
-He serves the unfourtunate
-He rewards the diligent
-And He beautifies the meek
This is my King!!!
-He is the Key to Knowledge
-He is the Well-spring of Wisdom
-He’s the Doorway of Deliverance
-He’s the Pathway of Peace
-He’s the Roadway of Righteousness
-He’s the Highway of Holiness
-He’s the Gateway of Glory
-His office is manifold
-His promise is sure
-His life is matchless
-His goodness is limitless
-His mercy is everlasting
-His love never changes
-His word is enough
-His grace is sufficient
-His reign is righteous
-And His yoke is easy
-And His burden is light
I wish I could describe Him to ya…
-He’s indescribable
-He’s incomprehensible
-He’s invincible
-He’s irresistible
-You can’t get Him off your mind
-You can’t out live Him
-You can’t live without Him
-The Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him
-Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him
-The witnesses couldn’t get their testimonies to agree
-Herod couldn’t kill Him
-Death couldn’t hold him
-And the grave couldn’t contain Him
That’s my King!!!
And His is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory; forever, and ever, and ever, and ever- How long is that?- And ever, and ever… And when you get through all the forever’s, then amen!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
i hate my body... i really do. i hate it that i cannot find whats going on in my tummy... i hate it that im second guessing myself, and trying to act like its not there only ot find that im doubled over in pain afterwards, i hate it that i dont know. i feel like im not in controll of my body right now, and it freaks me out. but i have to remember that i am not supposed to be in controll of my body, God is. if i surrender myself to him, then i surrender my self to him. i have heard it said that faith is the curraige to accept acceptance. i think thats true.
Anna, as i was passing by the security booth thismorning, asked how i was, and i told her what happened. then she leaned her head into the window of my car and asked "josh, is God still on His throne?"
and i had to say "yes", because He is. and i need ot rest in that.
God, grant me the peace and patience to move through this world that has been created around me, and hep me to always turn to you in the midst of this.
Anna, as i was passing by the security booth thismorning, asked how i was, and i told her what happened. then she leaned her head into the window of my car and asked "josh, is God still on His throne?"
and i had to say "yes", because He is. and i need ot rest in that.
God, grant me the peace and patience to move through this world that has been created around me, and hep me to always turn to you in the midst of this.
Friday, August 01, 2008
a song of hope.
wow... its been a try week.
ill say it backwords... wow.
its funny to think about, but it just hit me earlier in chapel... life sucks sometimes. it really does.
but we still have hope.
we still are in the presence of rescue.
and my God can still kick your gods Butt!
its funny... peter says in one of his books "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..."
hope.
its still possible.
its still here.
im singing a song of hope.
sing along. :-]
ill say it backwords... wow.
its funny to think about, but it just hit me earlier in chapel... life sucks sometimes. it really does.
but we still have hope.
we still are in the presence of rescue.
and my God can still kick your gods Butt!
its funny... peter says in one of his books "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..."
hope.
its still possible.
its still here.
im singing a song of hope.
sing along. :-]
Thursday, July 31, 2008
this is a story 'bout a guy named al...
sitting here with a great friend, Garrett Benjamin, and friends of his p here... this is good. i love this stuff.
yay.
yay.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
there was an old man named micheal finnigin...
i used to attend little lake elementary school. i was always the wierd kid, the one who would stay inside during recess and talk with the teacher, or who would be really proud to be a part of the choir and band.
yeah, i was that kid.
when i was in 4th grade, the other boys made a "no gays allowed" club, made solely for the purpose of making me feel like a loser.
i remember walking up to the cool kids, the ones i wanted to be freinds with because they were cool, and as i was running up to them they saw me coming and took off runing away from me as fast as they could. i yelled "HEY! WAIT UP!" and mitch jergensen turned around and said "this is a no gays allowed club, so you cant join".
i had no idea what he was talking about. i would guess that he didnt either.
sometimes i wonder if we've grown up at all. we call ourselves "adults" but most of the time i still feel like a kid, trapped in a grown mans body. i dont want to have the responsibility of being old. i dont want the pressure of being a "GROWN UP".
being up here at hume has been an interesting experience. working a 9 hour day, 6 days a week... it takes it out of ya, and im feeling a little burnt out. when i got back from home a few days ago everything up here was different. i had a new shift, i was working with new people, my roomates had changed... suddenly, after a long week, i come back expecting normalcy... and everything fell apart. i was now working night crew with a group of girls who treated me like i was five years old. yesterday, for instance, they thoguht my break was over (but i had 3 minutes left) and they litterally started counting "1... get back to work now... 2, NOW JOSH... im gonna say three..." and i was like... are you kidding me? really?!?!
this has been a hard week. nothing in the kitchen is working out right, and everything is crashing down on me... im starting to wonder if anything would be different if i was gone. or, better yet, if they would be better if i left.
sitting at dinner last night, i was watching all the other people hang out together and wanted to join in the conversation. but, whenever i would ask what was said, they would say "nothing", and laugh and turn away.
some times life is great and everything is all fine and dandy.
other times, i wonder if anything has really changed, and if im still the same kid that was exiled from the "no gays allowed club", living in the same world, being shut out by all the same people...
do we ever truly grow out of ourselves?
yeah, i was that kid.
when i was in 4th grade, the other boys made a "no gays allowed" club, made solely for the purpose of making me feel like a loser.
i remember walking up to the cool kids, the ones i wanted to be freinds with because they were cool, and as i was running up to them they saw me coming and took off runing away from me as fast as they could. i yelled "HEY! WAIT UP!" and mitch jergensen turned around and said "this is a no gays allowed club, so you cant join".
i had no idea what he was talking about. i would guess that he didnt either.
sometimes i wonder if we've grown up at all. we call ourselves "adults" but most of the time i still feel like a kid, trapped in a grown mans body. i dont want to have the responsibility of being old. i dont want the pressure of being a "GROWN UP".
being up here at hume has been an interesting experience. working a 9 hour day, 6 days a week... it takes it out of ya, and im feeling a little burnt out. when i got back from home a few days ago everything up here was different. i had a new shift, i was working with new people, my roomates had changed... suddenly, after a long week, i come back expecting normalcy... and everything fell apart. i was now working night crew with a group of girls who treated me like i was five years old. yesterday, for instance, they thoguht my break was over (but i had 3 minutes left) and they litterally started counting "1... get back to work now... 2, NOW JOSH... im gonna say three..." and i was like... are you kidding me? really?!?!
this has been a hard week. nothing in the kitchen is working out right, and everything is crashing down on me... im starting to wonder if anything would be different if i was gone. or, better yet, if they would be better if i left.
sitting at dinner last night, i was watching all the other people hang out together and wanted to join in the conversation. but, whenever i would ask what was said, they would say "nothing", and laugh and turn away.
some times life is great and everything is all fine and dandy.
other times, i wonder if anything has really changed, and if im still the same kid that was exiled from the "no gays allowed club", living in the same world, being shut out by all the same people...
do we ever truly grow out of ourselves?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Operation Desert Storm (or, thoughts on returning from kids camp)
man.. i miss home so mch right now, its ridiculous. geting back to hume, it was a long drive, and a weird welcome back. ecerything has changd, im on a different schedual, new people all over my kitchen, and HUGE attitudes that i have to face. quite a difference from a week hanging out with elementary school kids.
its not as hot here, which is good. but i feel like everything inside of me is screaming, and nobody can hear it but me.
Johnny Foster is here, so thats been a blast having fun with him and watching him enjoy hume. i have found that watching people enjoy things gives me a type of joy that i havent really experienced before. God is definately giving me joy when im out of the lime light, which is amazing. he is so good, and He also exists outside the walls and borders of Hume. thats something that was good for me to see. i needed that refreshment.
well, im back to work. hopefully ill update a little later.
dieing to self hurts.
-Josh
its not as hot here, which is good. but i feel like everything inside of me is screaming, and nobody can hear it but me.
Johnny Foster is here, so thats been a blast having fun with him and watching him enjoy hume. i have found that watching people enjoy things gives me a type of joy that i havent really experienced before. God is definately giving me joy when im out of the lime light, which is amazing. he is so good, and He also exists outside the walls and borders of Hume. thats something that was good for me to see. i needed that refreshment.
well, im back to work. hopefully ill update a little later.
dieing to self hurts.
-Josh
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